The Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind for us. I posted a message on Facebook earlier today that I have since deleted because I should have been more careful about where I discuss personal topics. However, my reason for doing so is the same reason I am going to talk about it here. As women, I feel it is important for us to support each other through difficult times and sometimes that means talking about things that are difficult. I'm not sure how big the following of this blog is, but I hope if there is someone out there reading, they feel a little more like they are not alone.

I do not share these experiences for sympathy; I only want to express my feelings in hopes of strengthening or lifting someone else who may have experienced or may experience similar things.

About 5 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant and expecting our second child. I immediately started referring to her as a 'her' because I thought it would be so fun for Sara to have a little sister to share things with and play with. Of course I would have been delighted for a boy, but it just felt like a girl to me. At about 7 weeks, my Doctor requested an ultrasound just to make sure everything was right on track. During the ultrasound, they were unable to find the baby. My Dr. informed me that I had a 95% chance of having a miscarriage. I was certainly sad by the news, but understood that it is the body's way of saying, "not this one". And I was okay with that.

I was scheduled to do a follow-up ultrasound last week just to see if anything had progressed. Up until this point I had not experienced a single cramp or spotting of any kind. At my ultrasound last Thursday, you could say I was beyond excited when I saw a little baby with a healthy heartbeat. Everything looked great and seemed normal to me. I saw the nurse practitioner because my physician was unavailable. She congratulated me and gave me information about having a healthy pregnancy. However, she did say there was something weird about the placenta, but wasn't quite sure what it meant. They wanted to schedule me for another ultrasound the following week.

This ultrasound happened to be this morning. I know it sounds absolutely crazy and maybe those of you who have had more than 1 baby may know what I am talking about, but even as early as this morning I felt little flutters in my lower abdomen. I felt like it was the baby saying, "Hi, I'm here. Everything will be okay." At my ultrasound this morning they were able to identify the baby in a matter of seconds, but there was no heart beat. I was heart broken. To have been not sure of anything 1 week, so excited about the possibility of something the next, to this.

I have been scheduled for a D&C procedure tomorrow. My type of pregnancy is called a partial molar pregnancy, which is very rare. It cannot be passed by traditional miscarriage. It has to be extracted and the tissue needs to be tested for cancer cells. I am not concerned about the cancer, but I am saddened by the loss of our baby.

This is a difficult time for me and I hope that in some way, my expression of my feelings and openness about this experience can strengthen you and give you hope. I am so grateful for the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes of our friends and families. We are so blessed and look forward to growing our family another day.