All She Needs

I love this stage. Sara is now almost 20 months old and she is such a great little buddy. We go everywhere together: the library, pool, Quick Trip, the mall, lunch, Target (more times than necessary). I just love being at home with her and all the fun we have together. She is getting much better at riding in the car long distances and points at every gas station saying "ice, ice". Truly, being a stay at home mom is the best job in the world for. But the truth is, I haven't always felt that way.

The first 6 months of Sara's life were the hardest of mine. I was not prepared to handle the demands of a newborn. People tell you that motherhood is hard, but until you've actually done it... hard just can't describe how difficult it truly is, or was for me. So, if you've asked yourself this question:

Am I a good mom?

You are not alone. Yes you are, and not only is it okay to ask yourself this question, it's normal. When you hold your infant baby for the first time, smell their new baby smell, wrap them tight and kiss their cheek it's hard to imagine loving something more. There is almost a tangible bond between a mother and her baby that time cannot erase. Even the sleepless nights, tireless hours of crying, the challenges of feeding and the complication of hormones cannot take away the incredible joy that this baby brings in to your heart and the closeness that you feel to them. However, the frustration, stress, exhaustion and anxiety does make it difficult to feel that you are good enough. I remember some nights holding Sara while she slept on my chest just wishing she could stay like that forever. But those feelings don't last when your baby develops colic and then ear infection after ear infection. You feel like there is nothing you can do to fix it and no amount of rocking or singing or holding will make it go away.

3 days after I brought Sara home from the hospital I asked Cameron if we could go back to the hospital and talk to a nurse. As we arrived I could barely speak. I felt so overwhelmed at the task of taking care of this little person. I cried, "I am her mom and I'm supposed to know what she needs, but I don't. So why won't she stop crying?" The nurse comfortingly said, "All she needs is you."

Several weeks later I was having a particularly difficult day and just didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mom, after all. It's what I'd always wanted. I remember a family home evening our family had when I was younger. My parents asked us all to write down what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wrote, "I want to be a good mom." And here I was, the mother of this beautiful baby girl and I just couldn't do it. I called my friend and told her I didn't think I could be Sara's mom because I just wasn't doing it right or she wouldn't be crying all the time. My friend told me that I was the perfect mom for Sara and that I was just who she needed. "Babies cry, it's just what they do", she explained.

I still do not feel adequate as a mother and probably never will. It breaks my heart to think that I ever questioned my ability to be Sara's mom because I could not imagine my life without her. I am not a perfect mom, but just like the nurse and my friend reminded me, I am perfect for her and she needs me. So, me loving her and being there for her makes me a good mom. And that is all I could ask for.