When consulting parents with children who frequently throw fits, I use this comparison, “If I could go to my boss, throw a big fit and get the day off with no consequences… I would do it all the time, too.” For this reason, I make it a point to never give into temper tantrums. Occasionally, my five-year-old son likes to test me, especially in public places. Why public places? Because he is brilliant and likes to get me when my defenses are down. So, yesterday when he started throwing a tantrum at church, I was prepared using Love and Logic parenting skills.
- Stay calm. Deep breathes. Realize it is their attempt of gaining control and not a direct reflection on your parenting. If someone judges you, they obviously haven’t experienced the “terrible twos” or the even more terrible threes. Usually, the other moms will look at you with compassion or even offer to help.
- Give the child two choices, either choice you are fine with. If they refuse to make a choice, make it for them.
- Walk away or ignore the fit. If you are in a public situation, you can leave. This may include carrying the child or pushing them in a cart. When the child is not getting attention for the behavior, the fit usually stops quicker.
- Don’t react, even when they make statements about hating us or being the meanest mommy ever. If they think they are getting to us, they are winning. We can be better than any toy robot, “If I push this button, what will mommy do?” Use the broken record responses from Love and Logic. Like, “Nice try, mommy loves to much to let you get your way when you throw a fit, probably so, etc.”
- Use empathy while enforcing natural (reasonable) consequences. “It’s really sad that you don’t get to take your Lego to class however if you continue to throw a fit you will not be able to play Legos for two days.” You can also delay telling them what the consequences will be if you want time to think or consult about it.
- Give the child time to chill out or regroup. They may need something to eat or a nap. (I know I’m ornery when I’m tired or hungry). Don’t lecture them about the behavior; let the consequences do the teaching. This maintains our relationship with them and doesn’t let them blame us. We are showing them that we love them unconditionally but there are consequences for our choices.
For more information visit Love and Logic. http://www.loveandlogic.com/
i LOVE love and logic. David and I decided before we had kids that this was the parenting strategy we would use. it has worked miracles and it has proven to make parenting enjoyable even through tatntrums!
ReplyDelete