Tuesdays in Tucson: Mother's Guilt and Unreachable Expectations.

My husband has two wives. My children have two mothers. My children love me and my husband is in love with me but nonetheless, there are two wives and two moms in our home.

Let me introduce you to the women in the family.

First, I exist.
Second, she exists.

In the time it takes me to get breakfast ready, she has the dishes washed and all of David's shirts for the next two weeks ironed. Oh, and the laundry is started. By snack time, I may or may not have showered, while she has both of our bathrooms cleaned and the kids are reading the library books that she took them to get. At lunch, I offer hot dogs with apples. She has cut the apples, cut the turkey sandwiches with avocado, and started cutting the vegetables for dinner. But, ha ha! she is talking on the phone -- grrrrr! -- to arrange when she can drop off the frozen meals she has prepared for two sick friends which explains while there are extra kids at our house--so their moms can get a rest.

Afternoon comes and I am desperate to take a nap. She is desperate to fold the warm clean clothes, take the boys to the soup kitchen, and teach six piano lessons, meanwhile keeping the toddlers entertained; all of this in her high heel shoes, and her clothes which have remained clean all day. Pool time comes. What fun. I can't wait to watch the boys swim from one side of the pool back to me. She can't wait to run a community swim lesson, wherein all the neighborhood kids leave after an hour, now knowing how to float on their backs; Yes, even the 6 month olds. And, no tantrums are thrown because of her ultimate adhering to love and logic.

Then comes second snack. I may have forgotten, but the kids gently remind me with repeated phrases such as "I am STARVING Mom. I NEVER get any snacks. Mom, I'm HUNGRY!" She called the babysitter three weeks ago and arranged a ride for said babysitter, so that she could prepare the snacks, and the children did not have to exit the pool. Dinner time comes, I am covered in child, I still need to defrost the meat, the TV is running to entertain for a half an hour, and I don't have any chicken base or milk. For her, dinner was in a freezer meal yesterday, but since she can't bear that her beautiful family eat a frozen meal, she makes soup, fresh bread, and homemade lemonade within the 4.5 minute time slot that is available before Daddy gets home. But really, let's be honest, she only uses 2 minutes so that she can straighten up the rooms, curl her hair, brush her teeth, apply lipstick, and be smiling in her perfectly pleated dress, waiting radiantly to welcome home her man.

Just one last thing; bedtime. I read with the boys for a few short minutes, as it is past time for sleepy eyes to rest. I pray with the boys, and we all giggle during the prayer because someone stinks. She has spent twenty minutes a day since they were born reading the homemade books that she readily prepared for up to nine future children.....

"A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important..."

Julie Beck

The day after we brought Lincoln home from the hospital, the second woman appeared at our house. I remember crying because I had not read to my three day old baby for 20 minutes that third day. My mom and husband were so kind, but I'm sure they giggled inside at the irrationality of my state.

Since then, I have suffered many days and nights from Mother's Guilt; the feelings that I could have done better, I have not yet done enough, and I was bound to never be what my children needed.

MY mom warned me of the awfulness that is mothers guilt, letting me know that I could rely on her. I wish in the early days of being a first time mom that I had talked to my mom, and other spectacular mothers more. Instead, I relied on her, and she is not a fair standard to live by. The only thing her perfectionism offers is anorexia for the soul. She becomes your harshest critic, and your constant reminder of your little failings. When you measure all of your weakest attributes by the yardstick of her perfection, you always come up short.

Believe me.
(and I can't allow myself to lose stature. I'm only 5'2)

Mother's guilt really hit me hard again when we were getting ready to bring Henry to our family. I wondered if I could love him like I loved Lincoln. I wondered if I had taught Lincoln everything he needed to know before we added a brother.

But,

the thing that keeps me going is knowing that while she exists in my head, I am what exists in the minds of my husband and my children. They don't know about perfectly pleated dresses, and community swim lessons. They don't care about eating hot dogs instead of turkey sandwiches with avocado.

At the end of the day, my little loves want to snuggle me. They want me to create stories. They want me to tickle them, sing to them, and pray with them. They try and finagle ways to get an extra 5 minutes or an extra snack.

My ADVICE:

a) Mother's guilt is common. Talk to someone you trust. But, don't engage in conversation where you will leave feeling worse than you did when you got there.

b) Don't compare strengths or weaknesses with anyone else.

c) Superwoman does exist; she looks like you and acts like you, so you must be super.

d) Pay attention to when you feel it the most often, and remind yourself that "now is not a good time to think about this." For me, it is midnight, when I haven't taken a nap, and my husband has worked until 10p.m. IT is a terrible time to allow her access. Plus, if she really exists, we already know your laundry is already done by the time you wake up!

e) Rely on a Higher Power. For me, that is a loving God who smiles in kindness, and is not a hard task-master.

f) Allow for a margin of error, and accept that you are human; super, but human.

With love from
Tuesdays in Tucson,

Brandi