Terribly Awful Very Bad Trials

I am not pregnant. I haven't been able to get pregnant for four and a half years. I have cried so many tears that the Pacific Ocean has nothing on me. I have prayed and pleaded with the Lord so many times, that sometimes the sincerity seems like vain repetition. I have gone through anger, grief, and loss. Infertility seems like a death sometimes. It represents the giving up of life-long dreams and replacing them with other dreams. It is a topic that I had a hard time opening up with and it sent me into a whirlwind of depression. I saw the world in black and blacker, except when I saw my husband or my Lincoln.

Then the world changed when we adopted Henry. A part of my heart healed instantly as I held him the first time. He was a perfect and beautiful piece of heaven.

As I look back on the trial of infertility, I wonder why it was I didn't talk to more people about it? Was it because I felt alone? partly. Was it because I had to keep my image of always being a happy person? mostly. Was it because it meant that my body was inferior? nope, but it felt like that. Was it because tears were only one thought away? yes.


WHY DON'T WE ASK FOR HELP WHEN WE DESPERATELY NEED IT?


I WISH I HAD ASKED FOR MORE OPINIONS ON MOTHER'S GUILT SHORTLY AFTER I HAD MY FIRST PERFECT BABY, AND FELT INCREDIBLY ALONE.

I WISH I HAD ASKED FOR MORE SUPPORT ON POTTY TRAINING.

My point is, I wished I had asked for more help during the Terrible Awful Very Bad Trying Times.

I love this Mom Blog, because it allows us the opportunity to ask for help, and get lots of opinions. I love that we can disagree on methods and share them in a safe-risk environment.

Here's To Continued asking for more help
Tuesdays in Tucson,
Brandi

My New Life

I love this video! It is a reminder of what an incredible gift motherhood is. In the words of Stephanie Nielson, "I am not my body". Although my body is good, I am not limited to what my physical body is capable of. As a mother, I am so much more.

Pearly Whites

My baby is teething. Her gums are so red and swollen. Last night she woke up several times shaking and crying. I saw her top tooth poke through the gums last week, but then it disappeared again. I believe we get our teeth when we are babies so that we can't remember the pain. It looks so painful. She is handling the pain like a champ, but I wish there was something more I could do to comfort her.

How do you help your infant deal with teething pain?

Recalls

(Saturday's post)

There have been several baby recalls lately, so I just wanted to post a link to a list. Check it out and make sure you return your recalled items. May be a good chance to upgrade...

2010 Baby Recalls

Secondhand Stuff

We all know having a baby can be very expensive, so any way we can save money is a great idea to me. I am all for buying things secondhand, but where and how? We bought some of the basics like our pack 'n play, stroller, high chair, swing, and bouncer brand new. However, I see amazing deals on Craigslist all the time for those things for a fraction of the retail price. A friend of mine researched and found exactly which products she wanted and searched craigslist every few days until those items became available. You've got about 9 months to shop before the baby actually arrives, in most cases.

Another great place to find deals is thrift stores. I bought Sara a slide for $12.50 at Goodwill and it's one of her favorite things. Thrift stores can really be hit or miss, but sometimes you get lucky. Also, talk to your neighbors and friends who have children. They may have items their kids have grown out of and need a new home. We got a crib (thanks Jenn) and changing table (thanks Heather) from some friends who weren't planning to have any more kids. They were generous enough to pass them along to us for free!

When we were living in Nebraska, I really wanted to get an exersaucer, but they were just too expensive. I'd tried looking at thrift stores and baby consignment shops, but we just couldn't afford one. As I was leaving my apartment complex one day, I noticed an exersaucer sitting next to the dumpster waiting to be taken out with the trash. Well, I snatched that baby up and took it home. A little Clorox and a good scrubbing and it was practically brand new. (One of those tender mercies for us)

What are your great finds? Where do you shop for secondhand items for your kids?

Sense of Humor

This week I got into some heated debates about politics. My emotions don't run high as related to politics, but I am not easily swayed from what I believe; no matter how loud someone else yells. That being said, one of the criticisms given to me was that I had no sense of humor. This made me laugh, because I consider sense of humor a necessity when raising children. My kids make me laugh every day. When we read together at night time or pray together, it is often done by singing the words or saying them in a funny voice while dancing-- in order to hold the attention span just a moment longer than normally possible.

In addition, poop has become quite a funny topic at our house (our household being three boys and one girl, I think we are doomed by how funny poop is) That being said:

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH EVERYDAY? WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR FRESH?

My four year old makes me laugh when he asks: You know how much i love you Mama?" "How much?" I respond. "More than all the city of Arizona, in the whole universe, in the entire world. More than all the city of Gotham."

My two year old makes me laugh when I turn to look at him at the same time he is about to push over an unsuspecting two year old and he quickly changes his course of action saying, "I give baby a hug." This repeats over and over.

My home is full of laughter. I don't know if that qualifies me for a sense of humor, but if it doesn't than I want a refund.

Trying to sense humor
Tuesdays in Tucson,
Brandi

My Kid's Smarter Than Your Kid

Karen is on a little trip and her internet connection is not cooperating, so she asked me to post this for her...

Do you ever feel like parents are constantly quizzing their kids in public as if to show the world how smart their kid is?

I do! It's one thing to be teaching your child about colors and asking her at a restaurant what color her cup is or what color the vegetables are. But I've recently noticed parents asking their children all sorts of questions that seem to be for no reason other than to show how smart their kid is.

Granted, I think every parent probably thinks their kid is the smartest. I mean, seriously, Sara can already say over 100 words, count to 4, do all her animal sounds, and identify the colors yellow, pink, black, and blue, and she's not even 2. But that doesn't mean I'm going to quiz her every chance I get. Intellectual development, I think, is something that varies from child to child. You don't see 5 year olds going to school with pacifiers and you don't see 20 year olds learning their ABCs. They will learn the things they need to know and with a little guidance and direction, they can be prepared for Preschool or Kindergarten. But please, stop quizzing your kid just to show they are smarter than mine, because chances are...they're not!

See You Again

Nearly three weeks ago, my dear friend's 6 year old daughter passed away and returned to live with her Father in Heaven. Katie was, and still is, a sweet spirit; a spirit special in God's eyes. She was sent to earth to obtain her mortal body in such a way that she could not be tempted by this world, and then returned to her Heavenly Father as pure as she came. She touched innumerable lives, and I know that while on this earth she held hands with Him.

Click here to read more about Katie and her family.

I was nine the first time I experienced the death of a loved one, but I was 17 the first time I experienced the death of someone I knew that was my age. Death was confusing to me then and, even now, I struggle to assimilate the emotions I felt during that time of innocence and ignorance into a coherent sentence that would adequately convey the seed it planted for me as a parent to ensure my children would be, could be, prepared to face the death of a loved one, let alone a friend their own age. With Katie, part of me always thought that I would have time to prepare my children for her passing. Though that time was not afforded, looking back I wonder if preparedness would have ever been possible.

How do you talk to your children about death?

Thankfully, my faith is sustained by the knowledge that life is more than just our time on earth. I believe that before I was born, I knew Him and He knew me. In addition, after this life, I know I will be welcomed into my Heavenly Father's presence and will rejoice with Him once again. My husband and I teach these principles to our children and each of them were able to find comfort in knowing our Heavenly Father's great plan of happiness. We chose to honor Katie at her time of passing and celebrate her life instead of mourn her death. We are sad, and some days hurt more than others, but we know that she ran for the first time into the arms of her Savior; that she sings and dances and continues to laugh and smile. And one day we will see her again.

Eat or Starve

If it were up to Sara, she would have cereal 3 meals a day. Which, until dinner tonight, she had actually had cereal for 3 consecutive meals. She is over the whole finger food stage and now eats really well with a fork and spoon, but isn't as adventurous as she used to be. She doesn't like to try new things and I'm running out of ideas. I cook meals for Cameron and I, but continue to give her what she'll eat: hot dogs, noodles, PB&J, cereal, oatmeal, lunchables...

At what age can you really give your kid the option: Eat this or don't eat anything at all? And what are some tricks to getting your kid to eat new things?

Other Mothers

My four year old starts pre-school in two weeks. He is academically ready. He can count to 100. He is great at addition and subtraction, following directions, reading, creating stories, coloring, chains-of-events, comprehension, prediction, and all in all just one smart cookie. I have been very blessed as his mother to watch him grow.

Sometimes when I see older kids making poor decisions I get nervous, because it is really hard for me to imagine my kids growing up and doing down right naughty things; aside from stealing their brother's toy or something of the sort. Now, I am not a rose-colored-glasses mom, and I know that things will happen. But, the hardest thing is, I won't always be there. I won't be the only one responsible for teaching them the things they need to learn to be great citizens. I believe my role as Mother is to teach, love, nurture, and guide them, but I also realize others will play a part. I dread the part of this where others discipline my kids.

HOW DO I ALLOW OTHERS TO DO THIS WITHOUT BEING THE HELICOPTER MOM WHO HOVERS OVER EVERYTHING THEY DO? WHAT IF I DON'T LIKE THE DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES OF THEIR TEACHERS?

Most people have told me I just have to deal with it.

Any ideas?

Tuesdays in Tucson
Anxious about Other Mothers,
Brandi

Munchkin Music

I registered Sara for a class called "Munchkin Music". She is taking it with her friend, Nixin. They are going to be rock stars together! The class is offered through the local parks and rec. I think it will be fun for her to have something each week set in the schedule. But it got me thinking...

Can a 2 year old be too busy?

So she's not 2 yet, but she will be in 2 months. I go crazy being at home during the day, so we are always on the go. Library, Target, Wal-Mart, the pool, Toys 'R Us, the mall, Old Navy... Should we be spending more time at home? I feel like if there ever was a time that I had to stay at home, Sara wouldn't know what to do with herself. If we are taking to long to get out the door in the morning, she says, "Momma go, go, go" and pushes or pulls me. Maybe I have built a terrible habit, I don't know.

I know some moms that have their 2 and 3 year old registered in preschool, dance, cheer, music, and whatever else they can find. I know it's fun for them to learn new things and get involved, but how much is too much?

Mom's Dairy

My youngest is almost a year old. It's amazing how quickly the time as flown by. I'm winding down on the nursing, and I'm really excited to be finished. Don't get me wrong; I really love nursing my children. The bond is incredible. But, when I add up all of the time I've been pregnant or nursing, it's remarkable.

How do you decide when to quit nursing?

I think this is a personal decision and unique to each child. My first probably would have been happy to nurse longer than she had. I nursed her about 13 months; I nursed her until after a family vacation because I was worried about quitting before we traveled. My second quit on her own at about 11 months. She decided that she wanted her binkie more than mommy. My third is fine with whatever. We are down to one feeding a day, and I will quit that around her first birthday.

I think any amount of nursing a mother does is awesome. It is not easy at first, and it is time consuming. My experience is that it gets easier with time and practice. Take cues from your baby; he or she will usually let you know when they are ready to move on. Also, do what's best for you. Take care of mommy first so that you can take care of the others in your family.

Becoming United

There is a great article in the August issue of Ensign Magazine. Ensign is a magazine published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This particular article called, "Becoming United as Parents" can apply to any parent. I am going to paste a few excerpts from the article:

There is no higher calling or opportunity than to be a husband or wife, a father or mother. There is also no greater challenge. Mortals are by their nature imperfect, and family life is a laboratory for trial and error. The unique contributions that men and women bring to a marriage are enhanced when spouses serve each other and work to create unity.

No matter what differences spouses may have or what challenges they may face, when a husband and wife are unified under the basic principles of the gospel their relationship as husband and wife, as well as their relationships with their children, will be improved.

What is a Mother's Role in the Family Unit?

Balancing the responsibilities of a home is hard work—and not just because the work of building a home is physically demanding. Husbands and wives have different roles to play in the family. The family proclamation teaches, “Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. (Does that mean husbands are required to take out the trash and do the dishes? )

Parents should also remember that their example influences others in their home. As President Hunter said, “You should express regularly to your wife and children your reverence and respect for her. Indeed, one of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”7 Children take a lot of cues from watching their parents. The more children see their parents express love for each other, the more likely they are to follow that example themselves.

This article reminds me of what being a family is all about and how important my role in it is. To read the article, go to: "Becoming United as Parents"

What is a Mother?

A mother is someone to shelter and guide us,
To love us, whatever we do,
With a warm understanding and infinite patience,
And wonderful gentleness, too.

How often a mother means swift reassurance
In soothing our small, childish fears,
How tenderly mothers watch over their children
And treasure them all through the years!

The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness
For any mistake, big or small,
And generous always in helping her family
Whose needs she has placed above all.

A mother can utter a word of compassion
And make all our cares fall away,
She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter
And make life delightful and gay.

A mother possesses incredible wisdom
And wonderful insight and skill -
In each human heart is that one special corner
Which only a mother can fill!

- Katherine Nelson Davis

I might wet my pants....

Seriously Friends! This is what I have to write about today. I hope you all enjoy the video as much as I did.

Tuesdays in Tucson,
Being a Mom
Brandi

Ready, Set, Read!

School will be starting in a couple of weeks. My oldest will be starting Kindergarten this fall. We are very excited! She has loved books and reading since she was a very little girl. I am excited for her to put all of the pieces together and learn how to read on her own.

We have always tried hard to make reading part of our daily routine. As I have more kids and life gets busier, it has become harder to find the time to sit down and read. We try to always read books before bedtime. But sometimes when we are running late and it's past bedtime, we will skip the books. I've learned that when you skip for a couple of days; it gets hard to get back into the routine again.

How do you find time to read to your kid(s) everyday?

I think that being consistent with a set routine is key. Find a time in your day that is not too crazy, and set the goal to read to your kid(s) everyday. It doesn't matter the age of your kid(s); start young! Here are a few ideas of different ways to squeeze reading into a busy schedule.

1. Books at bedtime. (If you are too tired, try a different time of day when you can be more consistent.)

2. Books on tape/CD for in the car.

3. Books in the morning. Start you morning routine 10 minutes earlier. When everyone is ready for the day, sit down and read before you head out the door.

4. Books after nap time.

5. Books on the go. Pack a few books into your diaper bag and read while you are waiting at the Dr.'s office, in line at the grocery store, etc.

Please share some of the different ways you have been able to squeeze more reading into your busy days.

Service

(I wrote this post Sunday and forgot to post it)

Church today was all about service. It made me think of all the incredible blessings that I have received because of service. This has been a particularly challenging week and our family has been blessed by so many simple acts of service from baby-sitting, flowers, cookies, phone calls, text messages... and more. I feel so fortunate to have great friends and loved ones who care about us enough to find ways to help any way they can. As mothers, we serve our families every day. But what about us?

In what ways have you received service that has made a difference in your life?

Maybe we could each take a few minutes and think about how we can serve the mothers in our lives. Our own mothers, our neighbors, our friends... I know for one, I am always willing to serve by sampling cookie dough or taking left over food from a big event, or even letting you watch my kid because she is just so cute! ;) Just kidding. But really, I think we could all benefit from a little motherly service from time to time. And not just on Mother's day!

The Ups and Downs

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind for us. I posted a message on Facebook earlier today that I have since deleted because I should have been more careful about where I discuss personal topics. However, my reason for doing so is the same reason I am going to talk about it here. As women, I feel it is important for us to support each other through difficult times and sometimes that means talking about things that are difficult. I'm not sure how big the following of this blog is, but I hope if there is someone out there reading, they feel a little more like they are not alone.

I do not share these experiences for sympathy; I only want to express my feelings in hopes of strengthening or lifting someone else who may have experienced or may experience similar things.

About 5 weeks ago I found out that I was pregnant and expecting our second child. I immediately started referring to her as a 'her' because I thought it would be so fun for Sara to have a little sister to share things with and play with. Of course I would have been delighted for a boy, but it just felt like a girl to me. At about 7 weeks, my Doctor requested an ultrasound just to make sure everything was right on track. During the ultrasound, they were unable to find the baby. My Dr. informed me that I had a 95% chance of having a miscarriage. I was certainly sad by the news, but understood that it is the body's way of saying, "not this one". And I was okay with that.

I was scheduled to do a follow-up ultrasound last week just to see if anything had progressed. Up until this point I had not experienced a single cramp or spotting of any kind. At my ultrasound last Thursday, you could say I was beyond excited when I saw a little baby with a healthy heartbeat. Everything looked great and seemed normal to me. I saw the nurse practitioner because my physician was unavailable. She congratulated me and gave me information about having a healthy pregnancy. However, she did say there was something weird about the placenta, but wasn't quite sure what it meant. They wanted to schedule me for another ultrasound the following week.

This ultrasound happened to be this morning. I know it sounds absolutely crazy and maybe those of you who have had more than 1 baby may know what I am talking about, but even as early as this morning I felt little flutters in my lower abdomen. I felt like it was the baby saying, "Hi, I'm here. Everything will be okay." At my ultrasound this morning they were able to identify the baby in a matter of seconds, but there was no heart beat. I was heart broken. To have been not sure of anything 1 week, so excited about the possibility of something the next, to this.

I have been scheduled for a D&C procedure tomorrow. My type of pregnancy is called a partial molar pregnancy, which is very rare. It cannot be passed by traditional miscarriage. It has to be extracted and the tissue needs to be tested for cancer cells. I am not concerned about the cancer, but I am saddened by the loss of our baby.

This is a difficult time for me and I hope that in some way, my expression of my feelings and openness about this experience can strengthen you and give you hope. I am so grateful for the thoughts, prayers, and well wishes of our friends and families. We are so blessed and look forward to growing our family another day.

The Gloat Button...

At our house we have a little Gloat Button from Hallmark. When pushed it sings, "nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey goodbye."Although we think it sounds more like "hey hey hey, chicken pie." Anyways, we use it when good and great things happen. We will use it this week as we continue to potty train Henry (yes, Friends, I finally gave in). We use it so we can have a reason to celebrate and dance around.

As I looked at our Gloat Button today, I was reminded of a meeting that Law Students and their spouses were invited to during Law School. The man was Mr. Bischoff. As a counselor he said, the unfortunate thing about girls getting together is that they usually leave a group setting feeling worse about themselves than when they got there. Be it because of comparisons, catty girls, cliques, or whatever, this he said, was the case.

I made it my personal goal to only join in conversations where I knew I would leave with the same sense of worth I had when I joined the conversation.

That being said, let's build ourselves up today as moms. Probably for most of us moms, we work a mostly thankless job. We often go unrecognized, and our efforts are sometimes swept under the rug. That's ok, because we love what we do, and we are rewarded in the wet open mouthed baby kisses, the I love you's, the only-want-mom-because-I-got-hurt, and a mix of other beautiful moments.

Still, let's take a moment and BRAG. Yes, BRAG about ourselves.

I'll start:
I'm Brandi and I made cinnamon rolls today, while potty-training my two year old. I washed all the dishes, and I played super-heroes with my four year old.

Who are you, and what did YOU do!!!

Tuesdays in Tucson
Bragging about me,

Brandi

Baby Acne

So technically today is Brandi's day and I look forward to reading her post later, but this post was supposed to be for yesterday. I went to do it last night and my husband asked me to hang out with him for a little bit instead, so I did. Then, the Bachelorette Finale was on which kept me up way to late. However, I got an e-mail from someone asking about baby acne, so I thought that would be a good topic for me to cover. So here it goes....

How to deal with Baby Acne:

A friend suggested taking fish pills and it worked for her. Her 2 month old's baby acne disappeared in only a couple of days. Apparently, the fish oils traveled through her breast milk and got rid of the acne.

Sara didn't ever have baby acne, but I know it can be frustrating. One thing I remember a nurse at the hospital saying is "Don't pick at it." It will eventually go away on it's own and if you pick at it, it can lead to scarring.

How did you moms deal with it? Just leave it be?

How Much Is Too Much...

whining? I have 3 girls, and I hear a lot of whining. I have tried several different things to try and teach my girls not to whine. I still feel like I have not found the best way to teach my girls that whining is not an appropriate means of communication.

How do you teach your kids not to whine?

Here are a few things I have tried, and the amount of whining is much less. But, I'm desperate for a few more ideas.

1. I made a happy face that said, "I can ask with a smile on my face." I put this happy face on the refrigerator. Whenever, my daughter started whining, I referred her back to the happy face and then asked her to practice asking with a smile on her face. It's hard to whine while smiling.

2. I've tried giving warnings and then a timeout in the bedroom if the whining continues. This works well at home, but when we are in the car or at a store it's really hard to put your child in timeout when warnings are not obeyed.

3. We've had family meetings and discussions about whining. We did role playing activities. The girls enjoyed the pretend whining.

4. I've tried ignoring the whining until the voice changes. This is hard to do when I'm tired or frustrated.

5. I say to my daughters, "I need you to ask me again without whining." or "I need you to ask me again with a happier voice." This works well, but sometimes I have to repeat myself several times before the whining stops. Patience and an even tone voice is the key.

I think trying different and new things helps kids realize that you're not going to give up on something that you want them to learn. As I write this post, I realize that I need to try a few of these things I've done in the past again. Please share your best tricks; new ideas are always appreciated!